I lost my boyfriend in a plane crash. Days later, I discovered his deceit (2024)

It was February 2023. Montana was covered in a blanket of snow and the dark was still spilling over into the winter's day.

As I sat at our kitchen island, I was lost in hours of writing about my life's journey. I jolted back to reality when something on the page caught my breath—stopping me as if I were feeling it all again for the first time.

I never left my first toxic relationship. It ended tragically with a plane crash in 2009. I grieved for five days and then was hit with betrayal as layers and layers of deceit and disbelief knocked me even further down as I learned about his secret life.

I was not the only woman.

As I learned our entire relationship was a lie, betrayal masked the grief. Among the shock, grief, insomnia, and cortisol rushing through my body, I had to compartmentalize to cope.

I had to "get over it" (as suggested by overzealous loved ones) to survive.

Although my immediate survival was a mix of overdrive, overworking and numbing myself with cigarettes and alcohol, it wasn't until I began to write my thoughts on that unbearable trauma that I realized by not tending to all of my grief with the proper support and therapy, I was still far from over it.

It was more like I found myself drowning in it from the inside out. And I was too ashamed and embarrassed to confront myself head-on.

In that Montana kitchen before the sun found its way across the peaks, I had to take a deep breath and feel my way through the waves of repressed emotions.

I caught myself intertwined between the present and past—both having an unequal hold on my heart. I felt split, or as one of my personal confidants determined, "duplicitous." My insides didn't' align with the smile and laughter that I had learned to put on with ease at a moment's notice.

But now, while living a tremendous life with my precious husband, I am for the first time unearthing the pain that has been lying dormant, just waiting to be released and addressed.

Looking back, because I had glossed over the hurt and toxicity from the first relationship, it was easy to fall into another one without much regard at all. And then what could have been just one, I realized had been multiple.

Once I allowed myself to go back into it, the pain of my past spilled out of my mind onto the pages with a newfound heaviness. There were tears and a few uncomfortable laughs between the moments as I typed them alone at that grey granite countertop. I felt it all.

How could I have let this happen? And yet, I did. I own that. I was complicit. I made my choices. And I ultimately gave my most heartfelt apology to my younger self.

Reflecting on the last 15 years since the accident and what led to years of toxic relationships and enabling people, I can recognize my own errors, and understand them.

Through the great wisdom of my friend Dr. W. Keith Campbell, I began to see and feel my growth through doing the work and finding forgiveness.

Forgiving them gave me more than I could have ever imagined. Forgiving myself gave me new life. The shame that I have carried for all of these years no longer has any place in my soul. The embarrassment that used to be felt when met with "you're smarter than that" or "how could you stay?" is now hard-found wisdom that I can use to be a guiding light for others to know how and what to do differently.

Most of all, I have learned that in the healing journey, I am still discovering new things about myself. I am cultivating new habits and disciplines to replace outdated ones and old ways of thinking.

Now that I have gained this knowledge, there's no turning back. The freedom I now enjoy—previously wasted in trying to understand others' negative behaviors— grants me the ability to now effortlessly walk away from anything with potential toxicity.

I recognize that I am not for everyone, and not everyone is for me. Our minds can be both our greatest champions and our most formidable enemies.

Time is our most precious asset; we must be mindful about how and with whom we spend it. We can always earn more money, but we can never make more time. The years lost are irretrievable, but both you and I can prevent those moments from slipping away again.

Many wonder why I share my story of surviving a toxic relationship; it's so that I can give someone else time back in their own life. That's the purest gift I could ever offer.

Stephanie Quayle is a Nashville recording artist who tours the world with her music and an entrepreneur with her own record label, Big Sky Music Group. Quayle's latest album On the Edge chronicles her personal experience in a toxic relationship and the healing she's gone through since—inspiring others and redefining her future. Stephanie is the author of the new book, Why Do We Stay? How My Toxic Relationship Can Help You Find Healing.

All views expressed are the author's own.

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